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Day 8–Love is Not Jealous

14 Oct

Today’s Dare:  “Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then, share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.”  (The Love Dare, 39.)

Good morning, my fellow blog lovers!  Its another rainy day in St. Louis.  I think that makes about 5 days in a row here.  Good thing I am not made of sugar, or I would have dissolved away by now–only leaving behind the hat, broom, and monkeys.

Today began, as usually–trying to get out the door and rush to my son’s school (which is far away!) in time for him to not be late–he was late.  The rain makes fellow drivers crazy–I don’t know if it is panic, or stupidity, but it’s scary out there!  On many days I leave without saying bye to my honey.  It is difficult because he is usually in the bathroom when I am ready to go.  Today, I made a point of kissing him goodbye and wishing him a good day.  It’s the little things like this that matter–and i realized I have been avoiding some of these acts.   I think it made for a better start of the day–and it only took a minute.  My honey is worth a minute.

So, last night after my update, I was getting a bit cranky.  My printer wasn’t printing my three documents I needed to print  My computer said it was offline and the printer said it was online.  Long story short, finally installed HP doctor and did necessary updates to bring it to the correct IP again–and it worked, but in the time it wasn’t working, I lost my cool.  I kept saying to him I was having trouble.  I was waiting for him to come over and help me–but no, I didn’t even get a response.  He sat there staring at the football game, unaffected by my troubles.  All my desperate attempts to grab his attention was failing.  Then, I finally said “UGH!  HELP!”  He asked what I wanted and after getting mad that he wasn’t listening to me for 30 minutes, I thought he would come over, but he went to look at the printer. I didn’t want him to do that–I wanted him to just show he cared–had he responded with an “I’m sorry” or a “What can I do to help” would have been enough.  The lack of response drives me insane.  I am a feedback girl.  I need it to validate my emotional self.  So, I went off on a ramble and lost my cool saying how I would hate to pull him away from the football game….and how I know after sitting still for 2 hours its difficult to get up…blahblahblah.  I was plain mean.

I cooled off a little later and I gave him a hug, apologized, and told him I was just pissed at the stupid printer and that he works hard every day and deserves to relax without me nagging him.  I gave him a long hug and sat down,  The hug actually calmed my stressful self.  Maybe I should do that more.  I think my words helped.  I see sadness in him at times that I believe I put there.

So, now back  to today–This dare seems pretty deep.  In burning the list, it represents letting go of the negative thoughts on my honey.  O.k.  This is great, but what about when he picks his nose and I am annoyed?  I need to let it go.  EWW.  If there is any huge issue I have–it is jealousy.  Jealousy is the only real problem my honey has with me.  We get along mostly–until I spew jealousy his way, and that’s what makes him maddest.  To reject thoughts of jealousy for a day will be difficult.  I have this post-traumatic stress disorder.  I swear it is real. I was never jealous.  ever.  Being smacked from behind with an affair in my previous marriage brought me to new levels of jealousy, and anxiety that I carried to my honey now.  It isn’t right.  He’s not a cheater, but I never had closure on all those feelings and now, I am so afraid that I can lose everything I worked so hard and loved for so long if he messes up, that I actually place in my mind him messing up–to plan for the situation so I am prepared.  WOW>  I never said I was 100% sane.  I know I do it.  I know it is wrong.  SO, why is it so hard to stop?  It was placed deep inside my heart on that one day.  It is amazing how much 1 day can change your whole entire emotional status for the rest of your existence.

Ok.  I will go home and throw the list in the fireplace and burn it.  I will then tell him how proud I am at how he has built his business from nothing to the steady, growing small business that it is today.  He really is a hard worker.  I admire that.

Thank you for reading.  I will update you all late on how that dare went.  Have a wonderful day and I hope the sun is shining where you are.

Evening Update—

Good evening!  I am in here much later than I originally expected.   Its been a very busy evening, complete with dinner-making, clean-up, playtime, baking brownies, and bed time struggles for the little one.  I’m pooped and ready to relax!

Wow.  I made it through today without any jealousy issues.  Every time my brain would drift and try to worry me, I focused on something else and took a breath.  Maybe if I did this often, the thoughts would occur less.  Is it possible to train your brain to not freak out, just by easing it when it does?  Does it lessen the FREAKQuency?  I made a funny. HEEHEE.

It was extremely peaceful, without the jealousy shadow hovering over my heart and head.  Maybe 3 is a crowd.  Time to kick the shadow to the curb, so my honey and I can have more peaceful days.

They say Jealousy is the root of all evil.  Is it?  Probably not ALL evil….but I can say that is is a root that grows and twists around your life.  It gains strength as it grows, and soon that root is obstructing everything it touches, until it is everything and everything else is nothing.

Before it grows, chop it and poison it.  It is no good.

Have a great night, and thank you for reading.  I will talk to you in the morning!

jeal

 

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Posted by on October 14, 2014 in Days of My Journey

 

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