Day 18–Love Seeks to Understand

24 Oct
Day 18–Love Seeks to Understand

Today’s Dare:  “Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you.  The dinner can be as nice as you prefer.  Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about.  Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate..”  (The Love Dare, 89.)

Good morning!  I had an incredibly rough day yesterday..My honey just started a new project.  It is a project that I won’t give details on–lets just say it isn’t a good project.  He did this about a year or so ago–and now, he decides to do it again.  It is bad, and I don’t want to be a part of it.  He knows how I feel.  He does it anyway.  I am trying my best to change–why can’t he?  This is an obvious thing and it takes a few months.  I cannot take a breath every day for 2 months and pretend it isn’t happening.  I cannot know he is doing this and try to hide it from my family!  I hate that he doesn’t care about anything except himself in this situation.  It pisses me off completely….So, how can I just take each day, and love him and do the dare on him when he is doing the number 1 terrible thing I despise, regardless of how it affects me or the kids?  UGH.  One day at a time.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.  The very fact that this one thing harbors new anger daily (it isn’t a grudge) makes it very challenging.  I am pissed and I need to get over it.  He is selfish and I should rise above it, forgive him and love him unconditionally, while constantly praying for his stupidity.  The thing he is doing isn’t the end of the world and it isn’t like he is Breaking Bad or anything….It is just something that I don’t agree with.  I am sure the world is against me on this–but my home is my world and I don’t like that he is messing it up.

Enough negative.  I hope you all had great evenings!  I was cranky because of the this “project”.  I am tired.  I am trying to wake up and smile and say, “new day”, but everyday brings me a new HUGE challenge to overcome.  Breathe.  I need to breathe.  All I want to do is cry and scream and throw a big tantrum to God asking why he is throwing all this bad my way.  WHY?!?!?!?!?  O.k.  I know why–but it doesn’t make it any more tolerable.  I know that I have to overcome these stressors in order to get to the next level and in order to be able to appreciate all he will bring me at that level….but OMG.  I have been trying 100 times harder and i feel every 10 steps forward, bring me 50 steps backward.

I am supposed to make a dinner for my honey tonight, but the reality is–how can I do this when I have kids to feed, too?  Set them in the kitchen at the “kiddy table” while we go dine in the dining room?  I don’t think that will work.  My daughter wont eat if it means playtime without parents.  Maybe I can think of something else.

I hope you all have good days.  I will try.  I just need to breathe and get through this.  I’m just so tired.


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Posted by on October 24, 2014 in Days of My Journey


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